Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Shits in Atlanta

Went to some crappy place in Atlanta the other day. The food made me forget the name.I was served a chicken Kiev that had not been cooked. It looked cooked -- the breadcrumb coating was all brown, so I cut into it, put the small bite in my mouth, found it not very hot, but very, very chewy. Chewy, chewy, chewy. As the restaurant was dimly lit, I moved the candle close to the cut edge. It was pink. The waiter was as surprised as I was and it was taken away and a new, cooked one brought and it was taken off the check. How could a kitchen send out an uncooked entree? Of course, the reason it looked cooked was because it was a prepackaged entree meant to be microwaved. I never went back as I felt I could no longer trust the kitchen. Not to mention I had the runs afterwords!

Friday, July 27, 2012

Sushi Land

This is a chain I have only seen in the northwest. They serve sushi, obviously. They have one of those fun conveyer-belts. To bad the sushi is garbage. Literally some of the worst crap I've eaten. First off the only rolls I could recognize were the cucumber, tuna, california, and avocado (all of which I don't normally get when I have sushi), and after trying two forms of strange sushi product, containing half fake-fish, and half plastic, I decided just to stop. They were god awful. I felt bad just letting my remaining rolls just linger on the plate, but it was such a terrible experience I had to.

I get home after all this, my stomach still not feeling right, and I actually vomit. I dont think it was food poisoning either. This place was actually so bad it made me vomit. This is the only time this has ever happened to me. I will never be going back. Never. I'm not the best cook around, and in grade school I could make better sushi than this place. I dont know what kind of ingredients they have on hand, but I wouldnt be surprised if the were outlawed by the FDA in months to come, if they havn't been already.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Chinese Restaurants that also Serve American Food

What the fuck is the deal with these places. If I want a burger, why wouldnt I go to a burger place? If I want chinese, I'll go a Chinese pace. The two should never mix. You don't see Hamburger Hamlet serving peking duck! I got some sweet an sour chicken at this place I went to, and it was like eating McDonald's chicken nuggets with their sweet and sour sauce, except 6 dollars more. 9 time out of 10 these places suck. Don't go, stop trying to create places like these. Just go fusion, and save everyone's pallet.

Why does subway exist.

They Charge 5-8 dollars for a crumby sandwich, with crumby ingredients. You can get better sandwiches from damn near any deli or supermarket for 2-3 dollars cheaper. It doesn't make any sence. Also, when around town with friends we've thought there pizza around the corner, only to find out it was a subway. How does this even happen? It's not like subway has pizza style sandwiches, this smell to food relationship, is also wildly concerning to me. They promote weight loss, you can probably loose  weight eating their sandwiches because they are so fucking terrible you cant finish one, or you just expel it through your mouth upon completion.


I had the super roast beef. Tasted like super roast queef. This was an exercise in discipline and body control. With every bite I took, I got that almost uncontrollable urge to hurl. I really wanted to. Everywhere. On the kid who took my order, on the cattle that were grazing next to me, my seat, the floor, on drive-thru costumers. Literally everyone and everything in that establishment deserves to be vomited upon. I didn't though, I kept my cool. I originally bought a small soda, for I know what soda tastes like and I hardly ever want more than a small, but then found myself upgrading to the supersize in an attempt to cleanse my tongue. Sadly Arby's doesn't have bleach on tap, that would have saved me a lot of discomfort.

Olive Garden

This place is fucking terrible. I've been there once, I thought I'd try it. Endless breadsticks! what's not to like? Everything is the answer. Let's start with the breadsticks, they were smelled of garbage, they would have been better served having stuck a package of uncooked doughy breadsticks in front of me. The only redeeming quality was that I felt like I was in the civil war, nibbling on hard tack to stave of hunger as I waited for my waiter to return with my salad.

After struggling to keep my teeth intact after 2 breadsticks, I decided that is where the endless ended, and moved onto my salad. This was no improvement. I got the caesar. It was filled with iceberg lettuce, really? you couldn't even spring for romaine. The dressing was flavorless sans the faint taste of urine. I was taken a back by one aspect though: the croutons. They were the closest thing I've ever eaten for rocks.

As a main course I got some fake italian pasta dish. It had chicken in it, undercooked, translucent in the center. Afraid of getting salmonella, I had to cautiously approach this dish, taking extreme caution to just extract the penne from the chicken. It was covered in light? alfredo sauce, or something that tasted as such, and to top it all of the pasta was over cooked, and had the texture of gum that would quickly disintegrate in your mouth. I don't know if the master chef was going for a juxtaposition of over and undercooked, but what he ended up with were vast similarities. Shit.

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